you know, when i first found out i was pregnant, i was so scared. i didnt know what to do or who to turn to advice. all mark was able to do was say that he would support me in whatever decision i made. that first trimester was really hard on me kuz i knew i had to make a decisiona and quickly. i even told him things like, "i'm having an abortion and leaving you. i've already found someone who will let me be their roomate." i told him this repeatedly. i said it all to his face with anger in my heart and confusion in me head. but he never retaliated against me. he never said cruel words to me. just always grasping onto me with all his love. he wanted to keep the baby all along but wouldnt tell me til i made the decision on my own. and here i was, lashing out all my own insecurities onto this man who would do anything for me.
i thought that we just werent ready to do this. i wasnt convinced that he was strong enough and adult enough to really handle a child. but he nenver ran away from our problems. not like i did. and it wasnt that he wasnt strong enough, it was me who wasnt strong enough. yes, i was scared at the thought of having a baby, but it didnt mean that i didnt want my baby. how do you know if youre good enough to be a parent? though it was painstakingly long for him, i had come up with my answer: to keep our future alive.
i've always thought, "why the hell does he let me do the things i do and say the things i say to him?" but it really is simple. he just loves me. more than anything, more than living. and i know this. i try not to take advantage of it, but i do. kuz i'm seriously messed up. even if he was dying of thirst and only had a pinch of water left, he would still give it to me even if i didnt need it. he works so hard everyday just to catch a glimpse of my smile towards his direction. all i can think is that this guy is completely and utterly insane. he shows me love, compassion, and understanding. still, i'm cruel. sometimes he just wants to cuddle and i push him away. he wants a kiss and i tell him that he's being annoying.
i guess that makes me the insane one, huh? in any case, i plan on becoming a wonderful mother and a better wife. wish me luck.
